Breakdown, Breakthrough: Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose

What Are We Learning from the Sarah Palin Phenomenon?

2008-09-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends:

Lately I've had some very charged and stimulating discussions with my female friends about Sarah Palin's national launch. We've been exploring what the media frenzy around Ms. Palin has uncovered in us--about ourselves, our views about women vs. men, and our biases when it comes to supporting women as world leaders.

Several of my colleagues whom I admire and consider brilliant have spoken to me about their conflicted feelings and beliefs about Palin and her fit for high political office. It's challenged many of us (even we feminists) to scrutinize our feelings about women vs. men, priorities, values, putting the country first over the health of your family/baby, etc.

My friend and I were recently discussing our views about a pregnant Palin's waiting 20 hours after her water broke so that she could make her political speech then fly home. We were asking ourselves, "Do we want women to put the country first, even over the life of their newborns?" "Do we desire the advancement of women so deeply that we'll vote for a woman, even when we radically disagree with her views?" And finally, "While many of us are ready individually, are we as a country ready to embrace what it means to have a woman as a top leader? If not, will this move us forward? These are very challenging questions that defy easy or black-and-white answers.

I'd love to hear your views. Do you believe that women in high political office should put the country first, over their own family and children? If you answer "Yes," will you be accepting of it, and comfortable watching it happen? And finally, do you believe that it's sexist or appropriate to ask a woman who is running for office a different set of questions (about her family as priority, how will she handle raising the children, etc.) than we would ask a male candidate?

In my work and new book, Breakdown, Breakthrough, I'm urging women to choose for themselves what feels right, to find values that they can honor openly, to determine for themselves what life approaches and directions to take. I'm also suggesting that we get out of the way of others and not judge them for the choices they make. Ultimately, is that asking too much for where we are today? (You can guess how I'd answer that, I'm sure!).

Thank you for sharing your views here. Your openness helps others examine their beliefs, and move forward.

Wishing you many happy breakthroughs,

Kathy

Do You Have Passion, Power, and Purpose in Your Life and Work?

2008-07-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Do you have passion, power, and purpose in your life and work? Are you satisfied with your career and where it's going?

I'm currently conducting a Career and Life Satisfaction Survey, and would love to hear from you. The survey is fun to take and requires about 10 minutes.

Please click this link to take the survey:
http://survey.constantcontact.com/survey/a07e2bmnvxsfi3ri8xg/start

And feel free to share the link with your friends and colleagues. The more responses we generate, the more representative the results will be.

Responses will be posted on my website, http://www.elliacommunications.com/, as soon as they are available.

Please share your answers to these key questions about your professional life, and how well it meets your needs and fulfills wishes.

Thank you for your help!

Happy breakthroughs,
Kathy

3 Questions That Help You Move

2008-04-25T17:24:00.001-07:00

In thinking about your life, have you ever been completely stuck in a situation, not knowing what next step to take? Or have you found yourself ruminating about something, going around and around about it, without finding a way out of your worry, fear, or powerlessness? Are you going through that now?

Several years ago, my friend Trudy Griswold, author of the wonderful guidebook Angelspeake (see www.angelspeake.com), shared with me what she called "three questions of discernment." These three tiny questions offer a way out of your worry and indecision. Answering these questions honestly and directly will move you forward in powerful ways.

The three questions of discernment are:

- Is this any of my business?
- How important is this anyway?
- When do I have to make this decision?

Is This Any of My Business?

If you're like me and many of my clients, we spend untold minutes and hours each day thinking and worrying about things that are really none of our business. For instance, we might see someone doing something that we feel is not in their best interest, and we wonder, "Should I tell them what I'm thinking?" Or we might be judging our sibling or neighbor for how they're behaving with their children. Again, we think, "What's the best thing for me to do here? Should I speak up?"

Asking the question, "Is this any of my business?" will help you decide. You can take the view that everything is your business, or you can consider that each individual has his or her own path, challenges, preferences, styles, and dreams. Their values and goals may not intersect with yours. Their way of handling problems may not reflect your views. In fact, they may be radically different indeed.

Whatever the case, what's going on with your friend, sibling, neighbor, colleague, etc. is in fact, not really any of your business, unless it directly impacts you. Then, of course, it is your business, and it's time to speak up.

I consider it "my business" when the following conditions are present:

- I or my family are being directly affected

- Another person makes it my business, by directly asking me for my help or guidance

- When I believe someone may be doing harm to himself/herself or others, and it's critical to act on their behalf

- When I know that wanting to be involved in this situation is NOT about stroking my ego or feeding my negative judgments

I love the idea that, "When you experience someone having a problem, be part of the solution." Speaking up and taking action when it is truly your business represents being part of the solution.

Of course, there are times in life when we wish to be part of a solution to a more global problem that may not seem to directly impact our daily lives (such as contributing to reducing world hunger, joining an organization that assists war-torn communities, etc.) In these cases, I believe it's most beneficial to contribute personally in the way that activates your energy best, while avoiding blaming and criticizing others for what they are not doing.

How Important Is This Anyway?

This question gets to the heart of the issue of the relative importance of what you're worried about. Should you be devoting countless minutes to it each day? Is this issue/problem going to make a large impact in your life? Or is it a minor, insignificant issue that really won't make much difference either way?

Getting clear on the importance of the issue will help you decide consciously how much brain power and emotional energy you should be devoting to it. Give yourself a time limit each day to think about this issue. Stick to the limit, and then move on.

When Do I Have to Make This Decision?

I have found this question to be so powerful that it stops me in my worrying tracks. So often, we fret about a decision that we in fact don't have sufficient information to make. We will have it, but not yet. So why waste time agonizing over something that is not ready to be decided on?

I remember when I was obtaining my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, I became very concerned about what I would do the minute I graduated. I worried and obsessed about this, months before the event.

Finally, I asked myself, "Do I need to make this decision today, or even this month? Do I have enough information to make a well-informed decision?" The answer was "no" to both. From that minute on, I actively stopped myself from worrying about it. When my mind would go back to it, I'd gently nudge my thoughts away from the issue. When the time came to decide, the right path for me was very clear, and I took it.

Decide the date by which your decision needs to be made. Mark that date in your calendar, and let it go until then.

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Answering these three pivotal questions will help you reclaim your mental and emotional power, and assist you in making decisions that move you forward successfully and consciously. They'll also release you from being overly-connected to what others are doing. That's their business. It's time to get clear about your business, and attend to it in ways that bring you fulfillment, joy, and success.

3 Steps to Powerful Marketing

2008-04-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

When I work with individuals wishing to create new marketing materials for their new practice or business, I ask them to take three steps with me in the process of creating powerful messages and materials about who they are and what they offer to the world. Not coincidentally, these are the same three helpful steps I explore in my forthcoming book Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman's Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose (Berrett-Koehler, September 2008). These steps help you to navigate through challenge, fear, and inertia, to breakthrough.

These steps are:
- Step Back
- Let Go
- Say Yes!

Stepping Back

The first step is to Step Back to gain a fresh new perspective of where you have been, where you are today, and where you'd like to go. So often, we think about our past and current situation from a perspective of lack -- what's not good enough -- rather than accurately assess all the gifts, talents, abilities and skills we've honed and amassed throughout our lives.

Stepping Back gives you the opportunity to review and appreciate:
- The full range of skills and talents you've developed
- The experiences you've personally created with these skills
- The successes and triumphs you've achieved
- Your special personality traits that make you you
- The combination of these that makes you unique and particularly helpful to others

I remember two years ago in thinking about the book I wanted to write, a terrific consultant in NYC, Janet Goldstein, who helps authors develop their ideas and businesses, urged me to marry in a holistic way all the skills and talents I loved to use, with where I wanted to go in the future.

For me that involved pulling together my skills in market research, interviewing, marketing, writing, entertaining through voice (speaking/singing), and speaking out about the challenges professional women face. In combining all of these aspects, I found exactly where I needed to go, and how to communicate it.

Fleshing out this information in full detail for yourself will help you gain clarity on where you wish to go -- with your business, and your life.

Letting Go

The second step in developing compelling marketing tools and communications is to get clear on what's holding you back from thinking and growing as big as you'd like.

Are you struggling with identifying a specific niche that gives you passion? Are you wondering if there's "too much competition" in your field (not probable, in my view)? Do you feel you need more education and training to come forward and be all you'd like to in your line of work?

Are you uncomfortable speaking about yourself in complimentary ways?

If so, get some outside help to research the best steps to take to resolve what holds you back. Once you understand your negative thought process about your business - and move forward to address them - your marketing communications will be more powerful, because they're authentic - not a stretch of the truth but an accurate, potent representation.

Saying Yes!

Finally, Say Yes! to knowing that you do make a difference to others, and speak confidently about it. Know that you are an expert. Understand the difference you make in people's lives, and communicate it. Live into it. Offer your services everywhere, give talks, write newsletters and articles. Bring yourself to the market actively. Find new organizations and companies that you would want to partner with, and approach them. Don't keep yourself a secret.

As you get the word out more and more, you'll refine your professional message as you refine your professional identity. It will grow and change as you do.

Say Yes! to powerfully bringing yourself forward. You do make a positive difference, and others need to know about it.

The Gap Between Professional Men and Women

2008-01-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

In writing my forthcoming book Breakdown, Breakthrough (Berrett-Koehler, Fall 2008), I've come across countless real-life stories of individuals who've told me that they feel men and women are radically different in the workplace, and that they truly speak different languages.

From my experience, I would tend to agree. There are certainly cliches about how men and women differ, but I think most would agree to the following differences:

- Communication styles

- What's disclosed and what isn't at work

- Values in terms of why people are working, and what they expect to get out of their work

- The importance of money and benefits as a reward vs. finding connection, meaning and respect

- The need and acceptance of "face-time" at work vs. desiring flexible work-from-home schedules where face time is less important

- Showing "heart" and emotion at work vs. keeping it hidden

I've also had numerous discussions lately with high-level professional men who have shared that they too are in crisis, but experience it very differently from women they work with.

I'd like to hear what you think. Are men and women very different at work? If so, how? And do you think men are going through professional crises as intensely as women right now? If so, what are the common crises men face today?

Are You Having a Wake-Up Call?

2007-12-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

What is true crisis in our work lives? How can we tell we’re heading into crisis, versus simply going through a really bad time? What are the signs of breakdown?

As defined in the Webster’s dictionary, a “crisis” is:

The turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or fever
A paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered function
An emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person's life
The decisive moment (as in a literary plot)
An unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending; especially one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome
A situation that has reached a critical phase

Clearly, we’re taking about a “no turning back” situation – a time in which a reckoning is necessary and a re-evaluation called for. The definition of “crisis” used in my forthcoming book Breakdown, Breakthrough pertains to the occurrence of a deeply troubling, heart-wrenching, or grueling event or series of events that brings you to a recognition, finally and irrevocably, that change must occur now. Crisis pushes you to your knees, and cracks open your awareness that to repeat this experience (or this feeling, event, or situation) again in the same way would be close to intolerable.

Crisis and breakdown in the professional arena simply means that you suddenly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that how you work, what you work on, who you work with or who you are when you work, and where you work —these elements are causing damage to you, your life, your body, and your spirit. Crisis can often seem to strike out of the blue, yet we rarely get to crisis without some warning signs along the way. Crisis may look different for each person, but there is one unifying theme that defines it:

Crisis wakes up the individual who faces it. This wake-up call demands our attention, and often leads us to have a “breakdown” or compels us to “break down” once and for all what isn’t working, and shed it. Crisis reveals that significant revision in life or work is required immediately.

If you’ve had any of the following thoughts or considered these actions in the last year, you may be heading for crisis, and now is the time to head it off at the pass and embrace what it’s trying to tell you.

Have you ever:

Called in sick just because you couldn’t face what was on your plate that day at work?
Flirted with sabotaging your colleague’s or boss’s work because s/he’s been so awful to you and you hate him/her so much?
Allowed money and financial “benefits” to keep you in an abusive relationship at home or at work?
Been fired or let go (or failed at work) more times than you care to admit?
Wondered to yourself “What the heck is the purpose or importance of this work that I do?”
Snuck out of the office, or lied about why you are leaving, so that you could see your child’s soccer game (or performance, concert, etc.)
Realized that you can’t remember the last time you did anything for yourself?
Blamed yourself for “not fitting in” and feeling so alone at your current job?
Recognized that your company and its employees are unethical or worse?
Spent more time gossiping and complaining about work or your colleagues than in doing your work?
Believed you might have a nervous breakdown just getting done what has to each day for work and for home?
Fantasized frequently about another field(s) that would be very exciting to work in?
Sensed that you are missing important aspects of your family’s life, and will never get them back?

If you’ve had any of the above experiences and thoughts, you’re most likely heading for a major turning point in the road, and it’s time to grab control of the wheel.

Is a wake up call on its way to you?

Please post your wake-up call experiences here. What have you needed to revise in your life and work?

Thank you for sharing!

Breakdown, Breakthrough

2007-10-30T18:56:00.001-07:00

In working on my book intensively these past few months, I've been acutely aware of something surprising. As many of you know, I'm writing about the typical crises professional women face today (12 crises of disempowerment, to be exact), and I'm realizing that:

1) I've experienced all of these crises, some at the same time, and several of them more than once
and:
2) I'm in the middle of a few of them right now!

This realization made me stop in my tracks this week, and ask myself "How well can I help others if I'm still going through some of these very difficult dilemmas, and haven't resolved them fully?

As I asked these questions, I had a bit of a "breakdown" - not a clinical breakdown, but a deep realization that there are several key aspects of my working life that still aren't at all where I want them to be. This led to an urge to "break down" these problem areas to their core elements, their essential nature, and understand what's truly going on at the most fundamental levels.

In breaking down to the basic elements what's not successful or positive in my life, I somehow had a "breakthrough" - I allowed myself to fully feel the pain of what isn't working and see clearly how my blocks are negatively impacting my life. Doing this hard inner work allowed me to gain acceptance of the pain, and by doing so, I could release it. In essence, I broke through. Not completely, not in all areas, but in a way that allowed movement -- beautiful, powerful movement, that carried me safely past my blind spots to the other side, this time.

To help us all understand more about the process of breakdown to breakthrough, I'd love to hear from you about your particular life experiences:

1) When has breakdown led to breakthrough in your life?
2) What has needed to happen in your life for the breakthrough to occur?
3) What areas continue to challenge you the most? Where are you hoping for a breakthrough to happen?

I'm very grateful for your insights and thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

Wishing you a time of great movement and release.

All best,
Kathy

Revising "Small" Thinking

2007-09-11T07:24:00.001-07:00

In developing my book I Can't Do This, I've needed to analyze more critically the internal process I use in coaching and therapy to help clients gain empowerment and move down a path of expansion rather than diminishment and hopelessness. It's been a fascinating experiment, attempting to articulate exactly what's happening in me in terms of my thinking, behavior, intuition, assumption, and questions, when I'm in relation with another who is wanting help to overcome crisis.

I’ve found that a key component of my process is looking for and bringing to light the various forms of "small thinking" my clients suffer with – the limited, negative and hope-crushing ways of perceiving life and oneself, including one's assumptions, beliefs and projections that keep one wedded to the experience of ineptitude, worthlessness, or "smallness."

Small thinking creeps in constantly for women. I see now how my own small thinking has kept me from pursuing what I dreamed of for myself for many years. In fact, I’m sad about the time I lost in my own small thinking, but realize somehow that all is as it should be.

I believe that what's required to release ourselves from the negative effects of small thinking is a hyper-vigilance in weeding out this thinking, and replacing it with larger, self-affirming and possibility-engendering thinking. What we need to focus on are thoughts that make us feel better, give us hope and relief, and support our trust in ourselves and in our own power to make positive change in our world.

To assess the tendency for smallness in your thinking, ask yourself these intriguing questions:

When/if you've been unsuccessful at a particular endeavor, do you beat yourself up and say "See, I knew I couldn't do this?"

When something is creating a deep challenge for you, do you project onto it a much bigger fear or issue?

Do you forget that this too shall pass and that your current situation is NOT forever?

Do you believe that when you fail, it's the failure that matters (it isn't).

Do you become hopeless and resentful when, after trying and trying something, the desired outcome doesn't occur?

Do you look for validation and approval in all the wrong places?

If so, here are a few tips that I’ve found to be beneficial in moving myself and others away from small thinking:

Pick an area you are feeling hopeless or discouraged about now. For the next week, observe closely all of your thinking and questioning about this topic/area. Each time you think about this topic/issue, ask yourself "Is this small thinking or big thinking?" In other words, does your thinking imply "I can't handle this" or does it suggest instead “I can and I will be successful in time.”
Each time you have an "I Can't Do This!" type of thought, say to yourself "There goes another small thought," and then let it go. Make a mental check mark. (Count up all the small thoughts you’ve had in a day…you’ll be amazed at the number.)
Don't judge yourself, or indulge in thinking even smaller thoughts about your small thought.
When you notice a small thought, after letting it go, replace it with a thought that is bigger.

Examples of big thoughts are:

“Despite my limitations, I know I can and will rise to this new challenge.”

“I’m working to close my “gaps” and I know that takes some time and inner work.”

“For good reasons that I’m not aware of but I’ll know in time, this opportunity did not come to pass as I had hoped. Another great opportunity will and I’ll be ready.”

“I’m on a learning curve and it is expected and natural that there will be some bumps.”

“Rejection doesn’t mean that I’m not good. It means that the fit wasn’t right at this time.”

“That person’s reaction to me is more about him/her than about me. What can I learn from this?”

As an example of this process of examining and replacing small thinking, a recent client of mine was experiencing great difficulty around exploring what new directions he might take professionally after years building a long-term successful career in finance. While he loved his field and work, he was itching for something new, exciting, expansive that he could sink his teeth into. We explored all of this dreams, options, talents, gifts, passions, yet when he endeavored to envision something “new” for himself, he couldn’t.

We then shined a light on his thinking around taking on something new, and uncovered “smallness” around the area of failure. Longing to validate himself, his work and his career, he had been avoiding an honest examination of where he has truly failed in life and work. Once he was able to look failure squarely in the eye and accept that he indeed has some limitations (don’t we all) that have contributed to failure at times, he was then able to accept and forgive himself for not being perfect.

This allowed him to move on to the realization that striking out on his own and starting his own business might just be the perfect next step, and that he could be wildly successful at it.

I believe we’re naturally good at big thinking, but have learned through misguidance and fear to limit our thinking and lower our expectations to avoid hurt. The best gift I ever gave myself was the decision to throw small thinking to the wind. In observing those folks whom I truly admire in life, I see concrete evidence of their big thinking. They make it a habit to say to themselves and others as much as possible (and believe it): “Dream and think big for yourself, your life and your work…the world will thank you for it.”

Where do you experience small thinking and how have you replaced it with expansive thinking? What's happened because of it?

The "I Can't Do This!" Syndrome -- Where Are You Disempowered?

2007-08-10T21:45:00.001-07:00

Greetings! I've created this blog to be a voice of advocacy for professional women across the country, as well as to provide a much-needed forum for working women to discuss, share, and connect with each other about the common challenges we face today in creating a life of meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment.

Each month, I'll be posing some key questions aimed to inform, stimulate, challenge, and inspire women, as well as offer an opportunity for each of you to personally contribute to the book I'm developing tentatively titled I Can't Do This: The Professional Woman's Guide to Overcoming Crisis and Claiming Your Power and Purpose (slated to be published in Fall 2008 by Berrett-Koehler Publishers). This book is based on my research with over one hundred professional women across the country who have faced professional crisis, overcome it successfully, and lived to tell the tale.

I hope you will join me and many others in giving voice to the concerns and obstacles you face in being all you wish to be in life and work.

This month, my question for you is:

Of the four areas listed below, which one do you think best represents where most of your challenges reside in terms of building and maintaining a satisfying and joyful professional life?

Are your challenges mostly in:

Your relationship with yourself (meaning: how you perceive, feel about and evaluate yourself)

Your relationship with others (meaning: how you relate to and interact with others, and how they relate to and treat you)

Your relationship with the world (meaning: how effective you are in the world, how able you are to use your talents, and how capable you feel you are to get what you need physically, emotionally, and intellectually)

Your relationship with your highest self (meaning: if and how you embrace your higher purpose [why you are here on this planet now] and your interconnectedness, and how empowered and supported you are to live your higher purpose)

We would all benefit from hearing your thoughts on which of these areas poses the greatest challenge for you, and what you are doing to overcome the hurdles that get in the way of a smooth journey to success and joy.

Thank you so very much for your generosity in sharing your insights. I have no doubt that your comments will be helpful to many others.

All best,
Kathy