Are You Having a Wake-Up Call?

What is true crisis in our work lives? How can we tell we’re heading into crisis, versus simply going through a really bad time? What are the signs of breakdown?

As defined in the Webster’s dictionary, a “crisis” is:

• The turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or fever
• A paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered function
• An emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person's life
• The decisive moment (as in a literary plot)
• An unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending; especially one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome
• A situation that has reached a critical phase
  

Clearly, we’re taking about a “no turning back” situation – a time in which a reckoning is necessary and a re-evaluation called for. The definition of “crisis” used in my forthcoming book Breakdown, Breakthrough pertains to the occurrence of a deeply troubling, heart-wrenching, or grueling event or series of events that brings you to a recognition, finally and irrevocably, that change must occur now. Crisis pushes you to your knees, and cracks open your awareness that to repeat this experience (or this feeling, event, or situation) again in the same way would be close to intolerable.

Crisis and breakdown in the professional arena simply means that you suddenly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that how you work, what you work on, who you work with or who you are when you work, and where you work —these elements are causing damage to you, your life, your body, and your spirit. Crisis can often seem to strike out of the blue, yet we rarely get to crisis without some warning signs along the way. Crisis may look different for each person, but there is one unifying theme that defines it:

Crisis wakes up the individual who faces it. This wake-up call demands our attention, and often leads us to have a “breakdown” or compels us to “break down” once and for all what isn’t working, and shed it. Crisis reveals that significant revision in life or work is required immediately.

If you’ve had any of the following thoughts or considered these actions in the last year, you may be heading for crisis, and now is the time to head it off at the pass and embrace what it’s trying to tell you.

Have you ever:

• Called in sick just because you couldn’t face what was on your plate that day at work?
• Flirted with sabotaging your colleague’s or boss’s work because s/he’s been so awful to you and you hate him/her so much?
• Allowed money and financial “benefits” to keep you in an abusive relationship at home or at work?
• Been fired or let go (or failed at work) more times than you care to admit?
• Wondered to yourself “What the heck is the purpose or importance of this work that I do?”
• Snuck out of the office, or lied about why you are leaving, so that you could see your child’s soccer game (or performance, concert, etc.)
• Realized that you can’t remember the last time you did anything for yourself?
• Blamed yourself for “not fitting in” and feeling so alone at your current job?
• Recognized that your company and its employees are unethical or worse?
• Spent more time gossiping and complaining about work or your colleagues than in doing your work?
• Believed you might have a nervous breakdown just getting done what has to each day for work and for home?
• Fantasized frequently about another field(s) that would be very exciting to work in?
• Sensed that you are missing important aspects of your family’s life, and will never get them back?
  

If you’ve had any of the above experiences and thoughts, you’re most likely heading for a major turning point in the road, and it’s time to grab control of the wheel.

Is a wake up call on its way to you?

Please post your wake-up call experiences here. What have you needed to revise in your life and work?

Thank you for sharing!

Breakdown, Breakthrough

In working on my book intensively these past few months, I've been acutely aware of something surprising. As many of you know, I'm writing about the typical crises professional women face today (12 crises of disempowerment, to be exact), and I'm realizing that:

1) I've experienced all of these crises, some at the same time, and several of them more than once
and:
2) I'm in the middle of a few of them right now!

This realization made me stop in my tracks this week, and ask myself "How well can I help others if I'm still going through some of these very difficult dilemmas, and haven't resolved them fully?

As I asked these questions, I had a bit of a "breakdown" - not a clinical breakdown, but a deep realization that there are several key aspects of my working life that still aren't at all where I want them to be. This led to an urge to "break down" these problem areas to their core elements, their essential nature, and understand what's truly going on at the most fundamental levels.

In breaking down to the basic elements what's not successful or positive in my life, I somehow had a "breakthrough" - I allowed myself to fully feel the pain of what isn't working and see clearly how my blocks are negatively impacting my life. Doing this hard inner work allowed me to gain acceptance of the pain, and by doing so, I could release it. In essence, I broke through. Not completely, not in all areas, but in a way that allowed movement -- beautiful, powerful movement, that carried me safely past my blind spots to the other side, this time.

To help us all understand more about the process of breakdown to breakthrough, I'd love to hear from you about your particular life experiences:

1) When has breakdown led to breakthrough in your life?
2) What has needed to happen in your life for the breakthrough to occur?
3) What areas continue to challenge you the most? Where are you hoping for a breakthrough to happen?

I'm very grateful for your insights and thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

Wishing you a time of great movement and release.

All best,
Kathy

Revising "Small" Thinking

In developing my book I Can't Do This, I've needed to analyze more critically the internal process I use in coaching and therapy to help clients gain empowerment and move down a path of expansion rather than diminishment and hopelessness. It's been a fascinating experiment, attempting to articulate exactly what's happening in me in terms of my thinking, behavior, intuition, assumption, and questions, when I'm in relation with another who is wanting help to overcome crisis.

I’ve found that a key component of my process is looking for and bringing to light the various forms of "small thinking" my clients suffer with – the limited, negative and hope-crushing ways of perceiving life and oneself, including one's assumptions, beliefs and projections that keep one wedded to the experience of ineptitude, worthlessness, or "smallness."

Small thinking creeps in constantly for women. I see now how my own small thinking has kept me from pursuing what I dreamed of for myself for many years. In fact, I’m sad about the time I lost in my own small thinking, but realize somehow that all is as it should be.

I believe that what's required to release ourselves from the negative effects of small thinking is a hyper-vigilance in weeding out this thinking, and replacing it with larger, self-affirming and possibility-engendering thinking. What we need to focus on are thoughts that make us feel better, give us hope and relief, and support our trust in ourselves and in our own power to make positive change in our world.

To assess the tendency for smallness in your thinking, ask yourself these intriguing questions:

When/if you've been unsuccessful at a particular endeavor, do you beat yourself up and say "See, I knew I couldn't do this?"

When something is creating a deep challenge for you, do you project onto it a much bigger fear or issue?

Do you forget that this too shall pass and that your current situation is NOT forever?

Do you believe that when you fail, it's the failure that matters (it isn't).

Do you become hopeless and resentful when, after trying and trying something, the desired outcome doesn't occur?

Do you look for validation and approval in all the wrong places?

If so, here are a few tips that I’ve found to be beneficial in moving myself and others away from small thinking:

• Pick an area you are feeling hopeless or discouraged about now. For the next week, observe closely all of your thinking and questioning about this topic/area. Each time you think about this topic/issue, ask yourself "Is this small thinking or big thinking?" In other words, does your thinking imply "I can't handle this" or does it suggest instead “I can and I will be successful in time.”
• Each time you have an "I Can't Do This!" type of thought, say to yourself "There goes another small thought," and then let it go. Make a mental check mark. (Count up all the small thoughts you’ve had in a day…you’ll be amazed at the number.)
• Don't judge yourself, or indulge in thinking even smaller thoughts about your small thought.
• When you notice a small thought, after letting it go, replace it with a thought that is bigger.

Examples of big thoughts are:

“Despite my limitations, I know I can and will rise to this new challenge.”

“I’m working to close my “gaps” and I know that takes some time and inner work.”

“For good reasons that I’m not aware of but I’ll know in time, this opportunity did not come to pass as I had hoped. Another great opportunity will and I’ll be ready.”

“I’m on a learning curve and it is expected and natural that there will be some bumps.”

“Rejection doesn’t mean that I’m not good. It means that the fit wasn’t right at this time.”

“That person’s reaction to me is more about him/her than about me. What can I learn from this?”

As an example of this process of examining and replacing small thinking, a recent client of mine was experiencing great difficulty around exploring what new directions he might take professionally after years building a long-term successful career in finance. While he loved his field and work, he was itching for something new, exciting, expansive that he could sink his teeth into. We explored all of this dreams, options, talents, gifts, passions, yet when he endeavored to envision something “new” for himself, he couldn’t.

We then shined a light on his thinking around taking on something new, and uncovered “smallness” around the area of failure. Longing to validate himself, his work and his career, he had been avoiding an honest examination of where he has truly failed in life and work. Once he was able to look failure squarely in the eye and accept that he indeed has some limitations (don’t we all) that have contributed to failure at times, he was then able to accept and forgive himself for not being perfect.

This allowed him to move on to the realization that striking out on his own and starting his own business might just be the perfect next step, and that he could be wildly successful at it.

I believe we’re naturally good at big thinking, but have learned through misguidance and fear to limit our thinking and lower our expectations to avoid hurt. The best gift I ever gave myself was the decision to throw small thinking to the wind. In observing those folks whom I truly admire in life, I see concrete evidence of their big thinking. They make it a habit to say to themselves and others as much as possible (and believe it): “Dream and think big for yourself, your life and your work…the world will thank you for it.”

Where do you experience small thinking and how have you replaced it with expansive thinking? What's happened because of it?

The "I Can't Do This!" Syndrome -- Where Are You Disempowered?

Greetings! I've created this blog to be a voice of advocacy for professional women across the country, as well as to provide a much-needed forum for working women to discuss, share, and connect with each other about the common challenges we face today in creating a life of meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment.

Each month, I'll be posing some key questions aimed to inform, stimulate, challenge, and inspire women, as well as offer an opportunity for each of you to personally contribute to the book I'm developing tentatively titled I Can't Do This: The Professional Woman's Guide to Overcoming Crisis and Claiming Your Power and Purpose (slated to be published in Fall 2008 by Berrett-Koehler Publishers). This book is based on my research with over one hundred professional women across the country who have faced professional crisis, overcome it successfully, and lived to tell the tale.

I hope you will join me and many others in giving voice to the concerns and obstacles you face in being all you wish to be in life and work.

This month, my question for you is:

Of the four areas listed below, which one do you think best represents where most of your challenges reside in terms of building and maintaining a satisfying and joyful professional life?

Are your challenges mostly in:

Your relationship with yourself (meaning: how you perceive, feel about and evaluate yourself)

Your relationship with others (meaning: how you relate to and interact with others, and how they relate to and treat you)

Your relationship with the world (meaning: how effective you are in the world, how able you are to use your talents, and how capable you feel you are to get what you need physically, emotionally, and intellectually)

Your relationship with your highest self (meaning: if and how you embrace your higher purpose [why you are here on this planet now] and your interconnectedness, and how empowered and supported you are to live your higher purpose)

We would all benefit from hearing your thoughts on which of these areas poses the greatest challenge for you, and what you are doing to overcome the hurdles that get in the way of a smooth journey to success and joy.

Thank you so very much for your generosity in sharing your insights. I have no doubt that your comments will be helpful to many others.

All best,
Kathy